Saturday, July 15
Graduate school is not for babies.
And I mean that in more ways than one.
Contrary to the impression I may have given in my first post, I am not a baby. I think I have pretty thick skin. Part of it is because my family's way of showing affection is to criticize each other. Most of the time it is in a fun-loving way, although sometimes it can become a bit much.
At the same time, I don't handle true criticism very well, because I am not used to being criticized. According to my mom, she rarely criticized me growing up because I was already so self-critical that she didn't feel it did any good. Basically I came out the womb this way.
I often feel as if my advisor has picked up on this, and treats me accordingly. I don't know if it's because he really cares about my feelings, or that he just doesn't have the people skills to really deal with me, and therefore doesn't. I suspect it's the latter. The problem with this approach is that while I am pretty easy to ignore for the most part, he eventually lets all his harsh feelings build up and then erupt like Mount Vesuvius.
But that's not really what I came to talk about. I didn't come here to talk about being a baby; I came here to talk about having a baby in graduate school.
On the one hand, I have as a role model my father, who made it through graduate school with three kids. On the other hand, I have my mother, who thinks there is no better way to ensure becoming ABD than to have a kid whilst in graduate school. And she's probably right, although at this point I don't even think I am going to make it that far.
I have a baby. If this means that I cannot cut it in graduate school, so be it. I don't regret having a baby. My whole life, I've always imagined myself with a family, and now I have one. No, graduate school is not a good time to have a baby, but when is? Let's face it, even sans baby, by the time I finish graduate school, I will be far beyond traditional child-bearing age, not to mention looking for a job. I don't think it would be any easier to have a baby my first year in a tenure-track position, for example, than it is now. And it's not as if the salary for an assistant professor is enough to pay for multiple attempts at IVF, unless I were to land a job in New Jersey, where state law mandates that insurance cover fertility treatments.
I resent that many women give me the impression that I am not dedicated to my career a) because I had a baby and b) because I don't want to put aforementioned baby into full-time daycare. Ultimately, maybe I am not dedicated enough to achieve my current career goals, but that is for me to judge, not you. I never tell women who put their kids in full-time daycare starting at six weeks that they aren't dedicated to their families. I recognize that what's right for you and your family might not be right for me, so please, grant me the vice versa.
When I look around for role models, I find surprisingly few. In fact, for starters, in my department, there are, like, three women. One was hired last year and is younger than I am, which is somewhat depressing. The other is approaching 60 and is single and childless. The third is the closest I have to a role model, although when I asked her for tips about trying to balance life in academia with a baby, she informed me that her daughter was in full-time daycare starting at eight weeks, which she regrets. That was helpful. Not.
Looking further, I realized that very few people in my department have families. Is it just that my field has a disproportionately high number of anti-social people, or that academia demands so much more of us than other vocations? The answer to the former is yes, and I suspect the answer to the latter is also yes, but in what way?
I have many reasons to believe that I am perfectly cut out for a career in academia, but when it comes right down to it, I am actually a pretty bad graduate student. I suspect this makes me the resident slacker of academicsecret, but I don't really care. I must have been a 1950s housewife in some past life, or something. In fact, right now I should be writing up my methods, but I have ca. 0 motivation. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that if I drop out of school, I can't continue to blog here. And that would be tragic indeed. permalink &ndash
Contrary to the impression I may have given in my first post, I am not a baby. I think I have pretty thick skin. Part of it is because my family's way of showing affection is to criticize each other. Most of the time it is in a fun-loving way, although sometimes it can become a bit much.
At the same time, I don't handle true criticism very well, because I am not used to being criticized. According to my mom, she rarely criticized me growing up because I was already so self-critical that she didn't feel it did any good. Basically I came out the womb this way.
I often feel as if my advisor has picked up on this, and treats me accordingly. I don't know if it's because he really cares about my feelings, or that he just doesn't have the people skills to really deal with me, and therefore doesn't. I suspect it's the latter. The problem with this approach is that while I am pretty easy to ignore for the most part, he eventually lets all his harsh feelings build up and then erupt like Mount Vesuvius.
But that's not really what I came to talk about. I didn't come here to talk about being a baby; I came here to talk about having a baby in graduate school.
On the one hand, I have as a role model my father, who made it through graduate school with three kids. On the other hand, I have my mother, who thinks there is no better way to ensure becoming ABD than to have a kid whilst in graduate school. And she's probably right, although at this point I don't even think I am going to make it that far.
I have a baby. If this means that I cannot cut it in graduate school, so be it. I don't regret having a baby. My whole life, I've always imagined myself with a family, and now I have one. No, graduate school is not a good time to have a baby, but when is? Let's face it, even sans baby, by the time I finish graduate school, I will be far beyond traditional child-bearing age, not to mention looking for a job. I don't think it would be any easier to have a baby my first year in a tenure-track position, for example, than it is now. And it's not as if the salary for an assistant professor is enough to pay for multiple attempts at IVF, unless I were to land a job in New Jersey, where state law mandates that insurance cover fertility treatments.
I resent that many women give me the impression that I am not dedicated to my career a) because I had a baby and b) because I don't want to put aforementioned baby into full-time daycare. Ultimately, maybe I am not dedicated enough to achieve my current career goals, but that is for me to judge, not you. I never tell women who put their kids in full-time daycare starting at six weeks that they aren't dedicated to their families. I recognize that what's right for you and your family might not be right for me, so please, grant me the vice versa.
When I look around for role models, I find surprisingly few. In fact, for starters, in my department, there are, like, three women. One was hired last year and is younger than I am, which is somewhat depressing. The other is approaching 60 and is single and childless. The third is the closest I have to a role model, although when I asked her for tips about trying to balance life in academia with a baby, she informed me that her daughter was in full-time daycare starting at eight weeks, which she regrets. That was helpful. Not.
Looking further, I realized that very few people in my department have families. Is it just that my field has a disproportionately high number of anti-social people, or that academia demands so much more of us than other vocations? The answer to the former is yes, and I suspect the answer to the latter is also yes, but in what way?
I have many reasons to believe that I am perfectly cut out for a career in academia, but when it comes right down to it, I am actually a pretty bad graduate student. I suspect this makes me the resident slacker of academicsecret, but I don't really care. I must have been a 1950s housewife in some past life, or something. In fact, right now I should be writing up my methods, but I have ca. 0 motivation. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that if I drop out of school, I can't continue to blog here. And that would be tragic indeed. permalink &ndash
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Well, if we help motivate you to keep going, then all the better for a.secret. My affiliations of been in departments with loads of female faculty and they mostly have children. I think some quarters of the academy are more congenial to childbearing than others, although I won't be so bold as to propose what this child-friendly cartography looks like.
Salmon, sorry to hear this is such a source of stress. I suspect from your comments that you're not in one of the most feminist-oriented disciplines. Of course it could just be that you're not in one of the way too many departments of whatever field that is not particularly family-friendly. But some fields at least seem to have networks in place that can help people bond with enough others in similar situations that they don't feel as alone in their position as you seem to be.
One issue you did not bring up much concerns finances. I realize you don't want to put your child into full-time daycare. I also realize that judging from your comments that is not a purely financial decision. Still, one has to wonder how much finances come into play in this realm.
I know of a graduate student who is just finishing her dissertation. She had a baby less than a year ago (so it sounds like later in the process than you) and she seems to be doing quite well. But thanks to her husband's lucrative career, they have enough funds to hire a babysitter several times a week while she stays at home, locks herself in her office and works on the big opus. I suspect this option is not available to many students in this situation.
It is really unfortunate that you should have to be put in this position of having to justify/defend your child-rearing choices. Some people do say that grad school is the best time to have a baby as your schedule will never be as flexible. That may be true, but it would be ridiculous to suggest the situation does not pose its own set of serious challenges and it sounds like academia is not doing a good job of meeting the needs of people in this situation, which is sad.
One issue you did not bring up much concerns finances. I realize you don't want to put your child into full-time daycare. I also realize that judging from your comments that is not a purely financial decision. Still, one has to wonder how much finances come into play in this realm.
I know of a graduate student who is just finishing her dissertation. She had a baby less than a year ago (so it sounds like later in the process than you) and she seems to be doing quite well. But thanks to her husband's lucrative career, they have enough funds to hire a babysitter several times a week while she stays at home, locks herself in her office and works on the big opus. I suspect this option is not available to many students in this situation.
It is really unfortunate that you should have to be put in this position of having to justify/defend your child-rearing choices. Some people do say that grad school is the best time to have a baby as your schedule will never be as flexible. That may be true, but it would be ridiculous to suggest the situation does not pose its own set of serious challenges and it sounds like academia is not doing a good job of meeting the needs of people in this situation, which is sad.
My father made it through grad school with one kid and another on the way, but it's easier for men to get through graduate school with kids, much like it's easier for them to get through graduate school being married. The expectations for their parental and marital roles don't conflict as much with being grad students.
But I've definitely thought about the things you mention, and I agree that for a lot of women, having kids in graduate school is going to be no more stressful than doing it in one's early days on the job, and we all have a limited number of easy childbearing years. I wish you luck.
But I've definitely thought about the things you mention, and I agree that for a lot of women, having kids in graduate school is going to be no more stressful than doing it in one's early days on the job, and we all have a limited number of easy childbearing years. I wish you luck.
One issue you did not bring up much concerns finances. I realize you don't want to put your child into full-time daycare. I also realize that judging from your comments that is not a purely financial decision. Still, one has to wonder how much finances come into play in this realm.
Thanks for your comments. The daycare decision is partially financial, but it's mostly because we haven't felt comfortable with the idea. It's not so much that I'm opposed to the general principle of daycare, but more that my baby is very needy and wouldn't do well in that sort of situation. But I'm hoping that by fall I'll be able to leave her more. In the meantime, I am very lucky to have an enthusastic (and free!) babysitter in my mother-in-law.
The thing is that I wouldn't be totally happy staying at home. I enjoy the 20-30 hours a week that I spend at school. Right now, though, I feel as if I can't give more than that.
And yeah, I definitely agree, Cerise, that men aren't affected by these sorts of issues nearly as much as women. Why is that?
Thanks for your comments. The daycare decision is partially financial, but it's mostly because we haven't felt comfortable with the idea. It's not so much that I'm opposed to the general principle of daycare, but more that my baby is very needy and wouldn't do well in that sort of situation. But I'm hoping that by fall I'll be able to leave her more. In the meantime, I am very lucky to have an enthusastic (and free!) babysitter in my mother-in-law.
The thing is that I wouldn't be totally happy staying at home. I enjoy the 20-30 hours a week that I spend at school. Right now, though, I feel as if I can't give more than that.
And yeah, I definitely agree, Cerise, that men aren't affected by these sorts of issues nearly as much as women. Why is that?
"I suspect this makes me the resident slacker of academicsecret, but I don't really care.
Oh no you don't. There is no way you can claim the "resident slacker" title without a fight. There are many weeks when I only manage to work 20-30 hours at being a graduate student, and I don't even have a baby.
Oh no you don't. There is no way you can claim the "resident slacker" title without a fight. There are many weeks when I only manage to work 20-30 hours at being a graduate student, and I don't even have a baby.
Oh no you don't. There is no way you can claim the "resident slacker" title without a fight.
Okay, you wanna fight for the title? I'm up for it. Ha ha ha, JK. :)
Okay, you wanna fight for the title? I'm up for it. Ha ha ha, JK. :)
I'm not going to help other than offering sympathy. I also had babies in grad school - 2, in fact, because the clock was ticking and it was only going to be harder once I got out. And, like you, I had an advisor (pretty famous in my field) that tried too much to be nice rather than giving me useful feedback. Also like you, I was in a field not very friendly to women. All this was at a top-5 school for my discipline. It wasn't exactly easy, which is why you have my sympathies. I did manage to get through it though. It took me longer than other students, and I relied heavily on child care. On the job market I placed lower than I should have based on the school I came from and the advisor I had, and I do think that having kids was partly responsible for that outcome just because it's hard to get much research done as a mother. I get very depressed sometimes that there are so few tenure-track women with children at top schools in my field. But I choose to keep plugging away at research and hoping things will change, while appreciating the fact that I have two great kids. Sure would be nice if academia could figure out how to appreciate us moms for who we are and what we can do.
# posted by 
: 7/18/2006 6:06 PM
: 7/18/2006 6:06 PM
I did manage to get through it though. It took me longer than other students, and I relied heavily on child care.
I think a big problem I am having now is that while I've accepted that I may be in school longer than most, this isn't exactly acceptable to my advisor. I understand that the project I'm working on has a timeline for completion, so it's fair that my advisor is not exactly happy with me. In fact, it's not that I don't understand his point of view--I just don't know what to do about it.
I think a big problem I am having now is that while I've accepted that I may be in school longer than most, this isn't exactly acceptable to my advisor. I understand that the project I'm working on has a timeline for completion, so it's fair that my advisor is not exactly happy with me. In fact, it's not that I don't understand his point of view--I just don't know what to do about it.
Just to set the record straight, even in "the most feminist-oriented disciplines" there are departments where the grad students with children have it tough (and not just because they're juggling school and family). I found, in my own department, that this was particularly true for women.
While I can't offer advice, Salmon, I can offer something. A long time ago, on a board that I frequent, we were sitting around complaining about our childless colleagues and how good they had it (and how we were tired of their whining about not having any time). One very wise woman suggested that while they had time, we had something they didn't. We had a child who thought that we were the best, brightest, coolest person in the world, regardless of how much or how little we'd accomplished that day. Revel in it.
You can do it.
While I can't offer advice, Salmon, I can offer something. A long time ago, on a board that I frequent, we were sitting around complaining about our childless colleagues and how good they had it (and how we were tired of their whining about not having any time). One very wise woman suggested that while they had time, we had something they didn't. We had a child who thought that we were the best, brightest, coolest person in the world, regardless of how much or how little we'd accomplished that day. Revel in it.
You can do it.
# posted by : 7/18/2006 8:11 PM
: 7/18/2006 8:11 PM
My father made it through grad school with one kid and another on the way, but it's easier for men to get through graduate school with kids, much like it's easier for them to get through graduate school being married.
What are the additional responsibilities entailed by being married, assuming one's partner is a full-functioning adult who can iron his own shirts and make his own share of the meals? (And if he isn't, frankly, I still wouldn't do it).
What are the additional responsibilities entailed by being married, assuming one's partner is a full-functioning adult who can iron his own shirts and make his own share of the meals? (And if he isn't, frankly, I still wouldn't do it).
# posted by : 7/19/2006 11:51 AM
: 7/19/2006 11:51 AM
Some of the essays in a 1998 collection by Constance Coiner and Diana Hume George called "The Family Track: Keeping your faculties while you mentor, nurture, teach, and serve" address exactly these concerns.
A number of studies, including some cited in that book, document that 1.) men with children are more likely to receive tenure ( and I assume their PhD's, too) than are women with children; and 2.) the percentage of tenured women who have children is far below the rate at which other professional women have children.
For example, one study showed that 56% of women who had babies early in their teaching careers earned tenure within 14 years, while 77% of men did. In fact, for whatever reason, men who have babies early in their careers are more likely to receive tenure than either men or women who do not. But how to solve these disparities?
Of course, there are many paths to success and happiness!
A number of studies, including some cited in that book, document that 1.) men with children are more likely to receive tenure ( and I assume their PhD's, too) than are women with children; and 2.) the percentage of tenured women who have children is far below the rate at which other professional women have children.
For example, one study showed that 56% of women who had babies early in their teaching careers earned tenure within 14 years, while 77% of men did. In fact, for whatever reason, men who have babies early in their careers are more likely to receive tenure than either men or women who do not. But how to solve these disparities?
Of course, there are many paths to success and happiness!
Nice post. I hope to have a baby before I finish grad school as well, and I share many of your concerns. I just discovered academic secret; looks pretty neat! My post about babies and grad school is here: Grad school is not my everything.
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