Friday, August 18
I've been drinking too much lately. In fact, I'm drinking now, otherwise I probably wouldn't even be writing this.

It's always in the evening; it's always just a few glasses of wine; I never get sloppy. But it's "too much" because I've realized that, in just a few short weeks of this routine, I have really come to depend on it. To do what, you ask? Herein lies the real problem: to dull the monotony of my existence. I'm really dissatisfied with how I spend my days. (Which, for the record, consist almost entirely of anxiety, procrastination and, not unrelatedly, isolation.) Yes, I have a partner (who shall remain genderless), but I've also been feeling dissatisfied with Partner in the past few weeks/months. I feel like I want some excitement, and I'm a little worried that in my (dare I hope fleeting?) quest for excitement I'm going to screw up the relationship that I have built with Partner. Especially because I have been really, really, REALLY thinking lately about how much I want to have an affair with someone (specific). Someone who I used to know, in another life. I don't think I'm going to do it, mostly because I am just too chicken-- I don't want to hurt Partner, who is a truly good person, and I don't want my world to implode, and I'm not sure how Someone Specific would respond (though I think I could convince him/her). Not to mention that SS lives far away from me, so it's probably completely improbable. But I really want something exciting to happen in my life. Apparently trying to build a career isn't really doing it for me-- too slow and steady, you know. On the other hand, perhaps my restlessness is all just a subconscious procrastination ploy.

If so, it's working.


kodachrome said...

Hi Pumpkin!
I hope you don't mind that you had me rolling on the floor with sympathetic laughter. I started to experience those boredom pangs in graduate school when in my second year of drudgery a shout in the hallway made me think something was actually happening. (nope.) Later I started to make up stories about possible affairs between various people. That entertained me for a while until I finally landed in a group of friends with enough... (I wonder what it is!) to keep my mind occupied during study breaks.

If it's just boredom, I'm sure you'll be cured very shortly 'cause they're baaaack!

twilight blue said...

For what it's worth (I hope something, but one never knows), when I am feeling the boredom, restlesseness, and temptations you describe, it is almost always as "cover" for some other, more difficult emotion(s).

So, when I find myself imagining affairs, fantasizing about leaving it all behind for some new, exotic form of life, or even just on days that I just can't seem to hold still, the sanity saving move is not to take any of this on its own terms, but to ask, rather, "okay, but what's under this?" - and to ask it again and again until I've gotten below all the layers of covering emotions to something like the heart of the matter.

I know when I've got at least CLOSE to "what's really going on with me" when the restlessness, boredom, impulse to questionable choices, etc. begin to dissipate...which also (usually!) keeps me from acting on emotions which don't really merit serving as a grounds for action.

The great, good anonymity of this blog being what it is, I don't know you and certainly don't claim to know what's most real, most pressing, or the best outcome in the situation you describe. But this approach has helped me, a lot, over the tumultuous years.

I wish you all the best...

Scarlet said...

Not to be glib about Pumpkin's larger plight, but I have to admit it would be an interesting turn of events on this blog if somebody decided to embark on an affair and started posting updates about it. So, someone should take one for the team.

kodachrome said...

Oh! Good idea Scarlet. Can we assume you already have the novella serialized for us?

Pumpkin, I actually have a specific suggestion on that front. If you email my fake identity (with your fake identity, please), I'll disclose. And, my colorful comrades, I promise you would *lllove* the idea if you only knew what it was!

wisteria said...

Hey, don't take this offline, it was just getting interesting!

Pumpkin, I so empathize with your feelings. I do agree with Twilight that there probably is a bigger emotional turbulence hiding somewhere, but it doesn't make the temptations less obsessive. Let me just suggest that you keep your fantasies - they never seem to work out quite that way in reality (er, so people say)

kodachrome said...

Pa ha ha ha ha! Wiseria, Did I mention that I love you, the last time we "spoke"? I promise not to take anything interesting offline, just a little plotting, but not exactly. I promised. You didn't believe me?

I'll leave it to Scarlett and possibly Pumpkin to tell us about mad love affairs that *do* turn out well. (Unless Twilight wants to release "Wild Blue" to seek her own passions.)

fraud, in denim said...

Wow, Pumpkin. I can relate - not at this moment, but boy have I had some similar moments in my life (as has my partner).

I think that Twilight Blue is right on and these feelings are often a sign of something other than dissatisfaction in the relationship. Once we have them, though, they are so hard to get rid of because they become these self-fulfilling prophecies as we distance ourselves or become irritable, plus every little annoying habit seems overwhelming... It's a hard cycle to break out of.

I think that key in your post is the fact that your SS is someone "who (you) used to know, in another life." I could be completely off, but that makes it seem, to me, that you're longing to recapture something from that point in your life that you feel lacking now. I don't know if you'll be able to find a substitute for it or not.

Good luck, though. As someone who's been blindsided by some of this before, I can't help but suggest that you might consider discussing some of what's going on with your partner. On the other hand, you could just switch from wine to pina coladas.

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