Thursday, July 20
Sometimes when I say, "What if I fuck this up?" it's not because I want people to tell me that I'm not going to fuck it up. I'd rather they just told me that they'll still like me anyway.

Also, my computer just ate an hour's worth of work and I had a little temper tantrum here in my office. Hitting my desk. Outraged squeaking. Moaning, "No! NO!" over and over again.

Now I am redoing it all. What can you do? You can only sit there squeaking and considering a crying jag for so long, that's for sure, and I personally do not want to have any crying jags on campus. There's one women's bathroom in this building in particular where I swear I hear someone having an emotional breakdown in the next stall, like, once a week. I don't want to be that person, although at this time of day it's mostly just a challenge to find a bathroom that the janitorial staff isn't working on.

I want ice cream.

6 comments:

Turquoise Stuff said...

Poor you, doesn't sound like you've had a great day, to say the least.

I know what you mean about the screwing stuff up bit. If anything, hearing that they think you'll do just fine can cause additional stress, 'cause then you think "darn, so they really can't imagine I'd mess this up so it will be a royal embarrassement if I do". I'm with you on that.

As for the hour of work lost, that really sucks. But hey, look at it this way: at least you're getting work done, which is more than some other people can say. (On that note, I think I'll go comment on Chartreuse Circe's post now.)

thistle said...

I second the motion for ice cream.

And if you fuck whatever it is up (or don't do it at all, which is my preferred method of fucking up), they will probably still NEED you, which means it won't matter in the long run whether they like you or not.

fraud, in denim said...

We'll still like you.

Sounds like ice cream is in order.

Cerise said...

I should clarify that when I am thinking of people I want to still like me, I really am thinking mostly of social connections (my friends and family being mostly other academics) rather than professional ones, since my general reaction to, say, my advisor ignoring my fear of failure is to think, "Well, he'll just see, won't he." But I feel like--even though I realize that this is probably silly--failing at my professional pursuits would disappoint people I care about.

In any case, I appreciate the sympathy and virtual ice cream.

Turquoise Stuff said...

Oh yeah, sorry, forgot to include the requisite serving of Breyer's Black Raspberry Chocolate, my flavor of the month.

Clear said...

I think I might go get some ice cream, actually. This has not been a good week for Clear.

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